


Take Me On An Adventure

by INeverHadMyInternetPhase



Series: QPR Verse [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships, Reality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 14:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11557317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INeverHadMyInternetPhase/pseuds/INeverHadMyInternetPhase
Summary: Exploring the facets of their new relationship is tough on both Dan and Phil, but by the end of it, they feel a little more like they know where they're going. Continuation of QPR verse.





	Take Me On An Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to update this verse for ages, but just haven't had the time, so here is a short little excerpt for the meanttime ^_^
> 
> Now, and as ever, for my dearest Charlotte <3
> 
> Title from Tom Rosenthal's 'About the Weather'

Long distance was _hard_ , harder than Phil would have imagined it to be. He’d kind of thought it wouldn’t be a problem for him, when in the past he’d envisaged some kind of future relationship he might be able to have. The physical stuff wasn’t so important to him, after all. He was all about the emotional, the knowing that someone else out there was his, and solely his. The not feeling quite so alone in his skin.

He had that, with Dan. Miraculously. But it still wasn’t enough.

The trouble was, Phil had had a taste of what it was like to be around Dan now. He’d been able to touch his fingers to Dan’s arm, to knock his ankle against Dan’s knee when they were sat watching tv together, to carefully link his fingers with Dan’s when they were out in public. He’d got a taste, and now he was greedy.

Skype was all well and good, but it wasn’t _enough_.

Dan called him ridiculous, when Phil tried to explain this. He chuckled with that laugh that made the corners of his eyes crinkle, Phil’s favourite look, and said, “Mate, I didn’t think you had it _that_ bad.”

“Do you not?” Phil asked, a little desperately. “It’s like, I can’t even talk to my mum without wanting to blurt out your name every two seconds.”

Dan’s eyes closed off, just a little, just then. Phil’s heart tugged in response.

“So she knows, does she?” Dan asked carefully.

“Yes. Well, no. Well, not exactly.” Phil grimaced, taking a moment to think. “Like, she knows about a Dan. She just doesn’t quite know what this Dan is to me.”

Dan ducked to hide behind his hair again. The skype connection only allowed for a grainy image, so it was hard to read his expression, which Phil hated. He was learning a lot of things about Dan, but one of the key ones was that Dan tended to show his true feelings through his expressions. He’d go on rambling rants about the things he loved, but superficially – it was hard to get at what was really going on inside his head. Especially when he felt insecure.

Phil was learning how to read him, though it was taking a while.

“Is that ok?” Phil asked, leaning in towards his screen. “I mean, do you mind?”

Dan shook his head quickly. He bit his lip, avoiding looking at the camera.

“Are you sure?” Phil pressed. “You could tell me, you know. If it wasn’t.”

“I could?” Dan’s lips twitched into a small, shy smirk, the one that made Phil’s stomach wriggle.

Phil nodded.

Dan shifted on his crossed legs, resting his chin on his fist. He was avoiding looking at Phil again. “I mean, what would you even tell her?”

Phil lifted a brow. “What do you mean?”

“If you were talking about me.” Dan’s tone was carefully neutral, his gaze hidden behind his slightly ridiculous, very Phil-like fringe. “What could you even say? I’m a friend off the internet?”

“No,” Phil said immediately.

“Why not?” Dan’s tone was almost savage, now. “That’s basically what this is, right? Friendship.”

Phil blinked. He was thrown by Dan’s words, a little confused, a little _hurt_ , even. They’d talked about it, in person, when he’d had Dan in his arms and got him to melt, all his hard edges to soften down to something truer. They’d talked about what they were. Phil was sure they had.

But what if, somehow, he’d been reading it wrong?

“Is that you want it to be?” He finally worked up the courage to ask.

Dan dug his fingers into his cheek. “Doesn’t matter what I want. That’s what it _is_.”

Phil looked at him in confusion. This was another reason distance was hard – it wasn’t as easy to understand Dan when all Phil had was a grainy image and his words. Often, a lot of what Dan said was contradicted by what he _did_. He’d laugh and call Phil sarcastic names all while curling up on his lap, which negated any hard meaning they might have had.

It was difficult to do that over skype.

“I am completely confused,” Phil confessed after a beat of silence.

Dan laughed. It was a harsh chuckle deadened behind his fingers. “Why am I not surprised.”

Phil shook his head. Something unsettling nestled itself under his heart, caught up in the way Dan was still avoiding his eyes. He knew this happened sometimes, that Dan got stressed, but he didn’t usually close himself off from Phil. He usually blurted out everything he was feeling, all his insecurities, his fears.

Maybe this time, his fears were too close to home. Or too close to Phil.

Either way, Phil didn’t know how to unpack them this time. Dan was too far away for him to reach out and hold, and without that, Phil wasn’t quite sure what to do. He was clumsy with his words, much better with his actions. That was part of the reason Phil had known Dan would make a better youtuber than him one day – Dan was articulate, expressive, could talk for hours without stopping once he got going. Phil found it more difficult.

“When are you coming back up?” Phil asked in a desperate bid to rescue this conversation.

Dan was still avoiding looking at the camera, now picking at bits of fluff on his bedsheets. “Dunno. Whenever, I guess.”

Something sharp twisted in Phil’s stomach.

“Soon, though?” Phil pressed, unsure whether the reassurance was for himself or for Dan. “There’s the Halloween gathering. The youtube thing, in London. I’m going.”

Dan glanced back at him then, looking at the screen, and for a second he looked inordinately, inexcusably _young_. His voice was morose. “But I’m not a proper youtuber.”

“Yes,” Phil argued stubbornly, “You _are_. You’ve got subscribers and you’ve got videos. There. Proper youtuber.”

Dan was smiling, just a little, even if he was trying to hide it. “Yeah, but I’m not on _your_ level.”

“I thought we’d curbed your fanboying tendencies, Dan.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Dan pressed a hand to his mouth, presumably suppressing a smile. Phil could still see his cheek dimpling. “I mean, I can’t go to a gathering.”

“Why not?” Phil leaned in closer, the urge to fix things growing and growing. It was much easier in person, and ever since their first meeting, Phil had this irrepressible urge to be around Dan constantly. It wasn’t an easy thing to ignore.

“For one, I’m not invited,” Dan pointed out.

“I just invited you,” Phil argued right back.

Dan made a face at him. “You’re _impossible_. I just started, and my videos aren’t even good, I can’t just—”

“You’re in Phil is not on fire,” Phil pointed out again. “People love that. My subscribers ask about you all the time, you’re totally able to come.”

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. Dan curled himself into a ball, retreating into himself again, his expression closing off. “Yeah, sure. They’re _your_ subscribers. You can go.”

That sharp thing twisted inside Phil’s stomach again. The fear that maybe he’d been going about this all wrong tied his innards into knots, so he forced himself to ask, voice small, “Do you just not want to see me again?”

Dan held his expression for a minute, and then his face crumpled. He shook his head. “No, of course I want to see you again.”

Relief flooded warm through Phil, and he took a breath. “So come to the gathering.”

Dan looked up at him again, straight at the camera, his expression unreadable.

Phil stared back imploringly.

“Alright,” Dan relented finally, and Phil was sure he caught some relief hiding in his tone. “I’ll come.”

\---

Youtube gatherings were heady, rowdy affairs. People were flooded everywhere, talking and drinking and laughing, and there was hardly any space to breathe even if they were outside. Plus, they were in London. Phil didn’t much like being in London. Buildings blocked the sky and there wasn’t enough green.

He was remembering why he didn’t usually go to these things. His contemporaries in youtube tended to be loud, social people, even if they didn’t quite fit into the usual crowd. But put a bunch of misfits together in a place they felt safe and suddenly everyone was on top of everyone, and there were very few that Phil felt he had anything in common with at all.

PJ, of course, but he wasn’t there and still had some reservations about Dan (totally unfounded, in Phil’s opinion). It meant Phil was keen to keep Dan separate, though, and also, _Dan_. He was really all that Phil was focused on.

Dan was clearly uncomfortable, at least to Phil’s eyes. Sure, Dan might be drinking and chatting loudly with some of the others in the room, but his tone was forced and his eyes were tired. He bounced with a sort of nervous energy, and there was always some part of him that was touching Phil – fingers, sides, an ankle hooked over his, an arm around his waist. It was possessive in a way Phil liked, but also felt a lot like Dan was seeking comfort from him.

After they’d made the rounds and Phil had talked to everyone he needed to to look polite, introducing Dan where necessary, Phil gripped Dan’s elbow and leaned in close to his ear. “Want to get out of here?”

“Already?” Dan looked surprised, but not disappointed.

Phil shrugged, confessing quietly, “I tend to just stay as long as I’m obligated to, and then disappear with the food.”

Much to Phil’s relief, that charmed a grin out of Dan. “Why am I not surprised.”

“Yes, well,” Phil nudged Dan across the floor, squeezing between tightly packed people, “Now you get to come with me, so.”

“I’m the luckiest,” Dan agreed in what was probably supposed to be a joke, but came out sounding a lot more like he really meant it.

Phil flushed, tried not to think about it, and dragged Dan outside.

They found solace on the edge of a fountain, food shared between them. Dan seemed to relax the moment they were away from people, but he still sat unnecessarily close to Phil, all squidged up against his side with his arm touching Phil’s and his head dangerously close to Phil’s shoulder. They were basically the same height, but whenever they sat together Dan seemed to make himself smaller, like he could tuck himself up into Phil and hide forever.

Phil would let him, too, if he asked.

The noise was dimmed out here, faded to the background when Dan was by his side. Phil could tell he was staring at Dan, had been staring most of the night in fact, had seen it on the faces of his friends and peers, the ones who were wondering who that guy on Phil’s arm was. The ones out of the loop were, at least. The ones who’d seen their dailybooths and tweets sent Phil much more knowing looks.

Phil didn’t like those so much at all.

“This is better,” Dan said unexpectedly from beside him.

Phil drew himself out of his thoughts, focusing in again on Dan to find him looking down at the ground. Phil nudged him, shuffling closer. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dan turned his head and gave Phil a small smile, not one that made his eyes crinkle, but his dimple did appear. “Yeah, much better.”

“I’m glad.” Phil was itching to reach out, to wind himself around Dan somehow. They hadn’t had much time to themselves at all yet, all Phil had been able to manage was a quick hug earlier before they’d had to draw away and head into the crowds.

So now Phil took a breath, reached out, and grabbed Dan’s hand.

As clumsy as ever, Phil missed the first time, instead just knocking his hand into Dan’s. On a second attempt, he managed to link their fingers together.

Dan sent him a bemused stare. “Did you just?”

“Shut up.” Phil flushed, bumped his shoulder affectionately against Dan’s.

“You _did_ just.”

“Leave me alone.”

Dan shook his head, but his dimple had made another appearance. He gave Phil a look full of fond. “You’re hopeless.”

“Leave me _alone_ ,” Phil whined, leaning in and miming biting at Dan’s shoulder. A memory of their first day together floated through him, how happy and on top of the world he’d felt that Dan existed. He still felt like that now.

Dan made a small noise that might have been a chuckle, and then glanced down to where their joined hands were resting on his lap. A strange expression flitted across his face.

Phil was tempted to ask, but he didn’t. Instead, he just squeezed his fingers around Dan’s. They still had the whole night together, staying in London. There would be time to talk. For now, Phil just wanted to hold Dan’s hand.

Dan squeezed back, sending him another brief smile. “You know a lot of people here.”

“I’ve been doing this for a while,” Phil shrugged, still caught up with staring at Dan. “Mostly they know me. I don’t remember half their names, if I’m honest.”

Dan’s lips twitched. “Bad at networking.”

“There aren’t that many people online I’m interested in,” Phil answered, and leaned in closer still.

Dan shuffled his feet, but he didn’t lean closer. He didn’t draw away either, he just… didn’t lean closer. This wasn’t how he’d been last time, when he’d been clambering all over Phil, asking to try kissing him, then just winding his way into Phil’s arms. Maybe Phil had been wrong to expect that, but… well. This was a little strange.

Maybe Dan just didn’t like crowds. He’d said as much to Phil before.

Dan’s fingers squeezed Phil’s again, and he took a breath, glancing down at the floor. “There aren’t that many people who seemed to know me, though.”

“You just need some more time.” Phil squeezed back. “A few more videos, they’ll all know your name.”

“I don’t know why it matters, really,” Dan muttered. “I just like doing what you’re doing. And it’s fun, making videos, and you say they’re good, though I don’t really believe you.”

“They’re good,” Phil said bracingly. He held his tongue about _Hello Internet._ He, personally, loved seeing anything Dan made, editing mistakes and awkwardness and all. And Phil had no doubt that Dan would grow into his channel. He’d already shared some of his best ideas with Phil, and Phil knew they’d be good.

Dan gave him a small smile. “I know _you_ think so. No one else will, though, it’s like – it’s the same with everything, really.”

Phil’s forehead creased. “What’s the same with everything?”

“The same as, like, _everything_.” Dan’s voice had lowered, and he was speaking faster. Phil had to duck closer to catch every word. “You always think what I think, and that’s amazing, but does it really matter if no one else thinks it too?”

Phil had a feeling they weren’t just talking about Dan’s videos anymore.

“Like, if it’s just something the two of us know,” Dan continued, falling into his stride, “Then what’s to say it’s even true? Or real? It might just be the two of us making stuff up to feel better about ourselves.”

Phil thought that over carefully, squeezing Dan’s fingers in his before he answered. “If the two of us agree on something, then that makes it real for us.”

“Yeah, but like, that’s not the same as _objectively_ real,” Dan argued, his expression twisted up. “What if there’s nothing objectively real about any of it? What if we’re just lying to ourselves to make it feel better?”

“We’re not talking about your videos anymore, are we,” Phil asked gently.

Dan turned to him, his face all scrunched up. He let out a little, defeated sigh. “I guess not, no.”

Phil squeezed his fingers, then dropped Dan’s hand in favour of offering him an arm to curl up under. Dan did so, burrowing under Phil’s shoulder and laying his head against Phil’s chest.

Phil pressed his face into Dan’s hair. It was quiet out here, away from the noise of the gathering, easier for Phil to unwind. He didn’t feel tense, not when Dan was in his arms and they were finally _talking_. He wanted to learn every little piece of Dan, eventually, to figure out why he sometimes went quiet and sometimes closed off. Phil wanted to learn how to round off those sharp edges, how to get Dan to smile his wide, crinkly-eyed grin more and more often.

“Is it that important to you?” Phil murmured eventually, his arm tight and warm around Dan. “What other people think?”

Dan let out a low sigh. Instead of answering, he said, “My mum asked if I was off to see my boyfriend again today.”

Phil blinked. “Oh?”

“I told her no,” Dan said a little savagely. “Because you’re not. Are you?”

Phil swallowed. His throat was stuck.

“She had enough trouble understanding when I told her I liked boys and girls,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s shirt, not lifting his head. He was almost trembling against Phil. “She does get it, though. Sort of. She’s just about there. I can’t – I can’t tell her something else on top of all that, when – she had enough difficulty with that, I can’t just throw something else at her—”

“It’s alright,” Phil soothed, rubbing his hand slowly up-and-down against Dan’s arm.

“It isn’t, though.” Dan shook his head against Phil’s chest, warmth moving. “I don’t know what to tell her. What to tell _anyone_. Those people in there—” he gestured back over to the gathering, not moving away from Phil, “—They all think they know, too, because I was stupid and used dailybooth the way everyone else was using it—”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Dan,” Phil murmured.

“There _is_ ,” Dan answered savagely. “There is, because I hate it, I hated every second of it, and with you I finally felt like – like maybe there’s another option—”

“There is,” Phil promised, and wrapped both arms tight around Dan. “I told you, I don’t like any of that stuff either.”

“And I believe you,” Dan reassured, sniffling. “But what if the rest of the world doesn’t?”

Phil bit his lip and held Dan tight. His head was pressed into Phil’s shoulder, and Phil kept him there for a moment, squeezing so tight in case it might help hold Dan together. Everything felt easier when he had Dan in his arms – easier, and _right_. There couldn’t be anything wrong with it. Dan’s fears, his insecurities – Phil had heard them all before, from his own head, all throughout uni up until he’d decided it just wasn’t worth it. But then along came Dan, and now—

Now, Phil thought both of them could finally be safe from all that.

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Phil answered softly after a long moment of silence. “What everyone else thinks. It doesn’t matter, because I have you, by some miracle – and you’re the same as me.”

Dan let out a low, disbelieving laugh. He clutched tight at Phil, clinging on, and Phil let him and held him back. Dan was quivering, all his nervous energy from earlier rippling through him in slow, continual shudders.

Phil held him close and closed his eyes, and drank in all that was Dan.

“I guess I’m just insecure, still,” Dan mumbled eventually, drawing back from Phil to bump their shoulders together again instead. “Everyone’s reading into things between us. I don’t know what to tell them.”

“Honestly? I don’t, either,” Phil confessed quietly. “I think my mum’s thinking something similar to yours. Hasn’t asked me yet, but – well. I don’t often skype someone for five hours every day.”

Dan bit back a smile. He sent Phil an almost-shy glance. “Same.”

Phil grinned.

Dan reached between them and caught Phil’s hand in his, linking their fingers together again. “I’m just – I worry that maybe this is something we’ve just made up. Like, is there anyone else even remotely like us out there? Being… together, without being _together_ , you know?”

“I know,” Phil answered, squeezing Dan’s hand. “And I’m not sure. Maybe, somewhere out there on the internet. We could do some googling.”

“I might do that,” Dan answered thoughtfully, glancing up at the sky.

Phil watched him closely, tracing his expressions. He’d already picked up from their conversations that Dan stayed up in his head a lot, that he liked knowing his place in the universe, where he fit in with everything else. Phil could see why this might matter to him slightly more than it did to Phil.

But still, Phil had to check. “You’re happy though, right?”

Dan blinked, glancing over at Phil with a questioning look.

Phil bit his lip, squeezed his fingers in Dan’s. “About us, I mean. Us being – whatever we are. You’re happy?”

Dan looked at Phil for another moment, and then he broke out into a smile. His proper, crinkly-eyed smile. “So you get insecure too, huh? Never would have guessed it.”

“Shut up,” Phil muttered, shoving at his side.

Dan chuckled. He leaned into Phil. “To answer your question – yes, Phil. Of course I’m happy. You’re _amazingphil_ , and I don’t even have to try and be something I’m not with you. That’s amazingly refreshing.”

Phil grinned. “Isn’t it.” He could empathise with that all too well – no longer having to push himself to be something he wasn’t, to feel something he couldn’t. This way, he got Dan, and he didn’t even have to do anything other than be himself. It felt too good to be true.

Dan smiled back at him, but then his face grew more serious. “But you don’t mind if I – if I don’t call you my boyfriend? I just – that’s so—” he screwed his face up.

“I know,” Phil reassured, feeling the familiar twisting of his insides at the word. Dan wasn’t his boyfriend. Dan was everything but his boyfriend – something sweeter, something warmer. Something safer and better.

“I’m going to find something to call you, though,” Dan said determinedly, “Because I need a way to tell the rest of the world to keep their hands off.”

Phil snorted. “Don’t worry, you’ve done that well enough on Twitter.”

“Not well enough to some of the people in there,” Dan muttered darkly, and wrapped a hand around Phil’s waist again. He leaned in close, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. “You’re definitely spoken for, Phil Lester.”

Phil didn’t bother biting back his smile this time. He just let it grow, spreading across his face, and leaned his head against Dan’s.

**Author's Note:**

> Come bug me on tumblr, URL is ineverhadmyinternetphase


End file.
